How you know you're pregnant:

You get weepy when you hear The Circle of Life from the Lion King. I've reached a new low.

The rules

I saw a thread on a pregnancy bulletin board yesterday. The topic these moms-to-be were discussing was: what rules from your own childhood do you intend to keep with your own children? I expected to find a bunch of railings against all the poor parenting practices people suffered through and intend to replace. But instead, women were only posting rules they intended to keep. They actually posted rules like:

-If you say a bad word, or tell a lie, you will get soap (or hot pepper sauce) in your mouth.
-You must obey me the first time I ask you to do something. Slow obedience is no obedience.
-If you misbehave, you will get a spanking.
-You must eat everything on your plate, even if you don’t like it.
-You must be in bed by 8pm, or you will be punished.
-Etc.

I don’t know, maybe I’m just a naïve peace-loving hippie chick who has no actual parenting experience, but all of these absolute, punitive ‘rules’ seem to be coming from the wrong place. There seems to be an underlying assumption that your kid is naturally going to want to do bad things and piss you off. Your kid must be reigned in and punished and you must be the supreme ruler. I just don’t feel that way. I think kids are kids, and they’re going to get into mischief, but their minds are wide open, they're curious about how the world works, and they ultimately want to be good people. It's your job to provide them a loving home where they are safe to become their most ideal self.

Laying down an absolute set of rules before you’ve even met the person you’re going to apply them to strikes me as ridiculous. And it seems all of these new parents had to be ‘the little guy,’ themselves growing up- submissive to their own parents’ sometimes arbitrary demands- and rather than take a long hard look at that, they are relishing that now that it's their own turn to be in power. It’s kind of disgusting.

I hope I don’t have to spend very much time ‘disciplining’ my kid. I’m sure he occasionally get into mischief, and that some natural consequences will follow. But for the most part I don’t see myself as being in power over my kid, as being superior, as a ruler who demands obedience. I see my child as a unique individual who I will love unconditionally. I see myself as a role model, guide, and teacher. My child will not always agree with the way I see the world. And that’s ok, because I am not perfect and will easily admit that I don’t have it all figured out. No one does. And to pretend otherwise is being dishonest and doing your kid a disservice.

Let's eat!

I am still thinking about food constantly; about what flavors and textures I can combine to create new and tempting taste sensations. I spend lots of time imagining the detailed dimensions of taste of various foods on my pallette. Last night I actually dreamt about making the perfect mint ice cream, and then later about some new savory broccoli dish which I now can't remember. I don't think I've ever dreamed about the detailed gustatory properties of food before. It's interesting to have become so food-aware during this pregnancy. In response to this new focus, I've been cooking up a storm. This past weekend, I made the following from scratch:

-Honey whole wheat bread
-Amish white bread
-Spinach fettuccine w/ basil cream sauce and sauteed oyster mushrooms (We bought the fettuccine fresh @ the farmers market. I have yet to make my own pasta, but I could get there pretty easily.)
-Baby greens w/ cherry tomatoes, goat cheese, walnuts, and homemade vinaigrette (mustard and garlic are key ingredients!)
-Tropical fruit smoothies (w/ strawberries, pineapple, kiwi, banana, frozen yogurt & oj)
-Barbecue chicken pizza w/ beer crust, sauce from fresh tomatoes, baby portabellas and cilantro.
-Apple raspberry pie, w/ crust from scratch

It was all very tasty. The bread and pizza dough were made with the assistance of our new bread maker- that thing is super handy! IMHO, my BBQ chicken pizza kicked the ass of its competitor at California Pizza Kitchen. The sauce had just the right amount of tang, and the baby portabellas are so much tastier than the crappy mini-button mushrooms most pizza places use... I'd never made pie crust before, and it came out a little dense- still delicious, but not flaky enough for my taste. I'm not quite sure why, and I think it's safe to say that most of my friends don't regularly make their own pie crusts. So I'll probably just keep experimenting with it. Maybe I can make some chicken pot pie... Hmm, that sounds nice and hearty. Tender carrots, melt in your mouth potatoes, fresh peas, and a not too salty, subtly garlic-y broth... And I'm off again! Anyhow- cooking craziness! I'm not quite sure what has come over me. Nesting instinct x 1000. Nacho asked me how long I thought this 'cooking phase' was going to last. I have no idea. Mommy hormones are strange things. I'm just along for the ride.

Good reading

I read Rebecca Walker's memoir Baby Love (2007) in one sitting last night. It's a minimalist series of journal entries that run from the time she discovers she's pregnant until a few months after her son is born. I enjoyed seeing her subtle and slow evolution into becoming a mom, and I identified with both her tendency to obsess, over-intellectualize, and generally be neurotic, as well as with the feeling of emerging calm that seems to come and go, but slowly take over as she gets closer to the reality of having a living, breathing baby. I live that battle on a daily basis.

Pregnancy also forced her to re-evaluate a lot of painful issues with her own parents. That really resonated with me too. I think that over the years I've done a lot of good work on coming to peace with my own painful childhood, but pregnancy has pushed me into a deeper and different kind of thinking about what it all means. This snippet was especially spoke to me:

"I'm not sure how it happened, but it seems that in being able to love my child unconditionally, I am more able to love myself unconditionally, which means putting up with a lot less bullshit from others. It's so cliche and remedial, but I think that pregnancy is teaching me that love is about listening to the people you love, and giving them not what you think they should have, but what they say they need. Love is not about endless negotiation, and recovering from blows landed in the throes of anger, but eliminating those fits completely. Family does not have to be a battleground.

The further along I get in this pregnancy journey, the more I realize that my longing for a child was a longing for an opportunity to try it all again. It was a longing to do family better, to do it right. To create happiness not just for my babies, but for me."
-p. 113

Amen! I feel so grateful that my marriage has never required that grueling "endless negotiation," that most (if not all) of my past relationships have. After a lot of time and hard work, the right pieces have fallen into the right places. I'm finally at a place where I will be able to "do it right," miraculous and simple as it may be, and create a home for our son that is filled with genuine happiness and real love. I certainly don't think everything is going to be perfect or painless- far from it- but I take a lot of comfort in knowing that I've got a wonderful base to build from. So thanks, Rebecca Walker, for sharing your journey. A few more bits of dust have just settled.

Hawaii, here we come!

I'm so excited! We're going to Hawaii (big island) in March for our "babymoon"- the last romantic vacation we get alone before the baby comes. Almost as good: we're going for CHEAP! We're using Nacho's frequent flier miles for the airfare. We Pricelined the hotel and wound up getting a highly reviewed 4 star resort (Hapuna Prince Beach Hotel) for $130 per night! That's less than half what we would have paid if we booked it directly on any other site! God bless Priceline! It's always a little worrisome when you put in your credit card info knowing only the star rating and general area, but I have to say, I've done it several times now, and I've never been disappointed. The bargain hunter in me loooves it. We also got a rental car on Priceline for $18/day. Sweet!

I've been to Maui twice and absolutely loved it. Nacho's never been to any of the islands, but is convinced it's just like his native Costa Rica. (I think he might have a change in opinion once he gets there, but only time will tell.) Anyhow, I'm really looking forward to getting to know the big island- checking out volcanos, snorkeling with some manta rays, and drinking some (virgin) pina coladas on the beach with my sweetie. It sounds so wonderful! Hopefully being 7-months pregnant when I get there won't put too much of a damper on things. Nacho may have to wheel me around with a hand truck.

A few good men

Since finding out we're having a boy, I've been doing a lot of thinking about what it will mean to be a mom to a son. Like the pregnancy itself, it still feels pretty abstract, but I do have moments when the reality sinks in a bit more. Hopefully those moments will become more frequent as things progress.

I've never been subscriber to gender stereotypes, and I strongly believe people have a right to express themselves however they want, regardless of their gender. I grew up in an extremely gender-typed household, where my dad was unquestionably in charge, and my mom got an allowance. If things hadn't been so extreme, I might not have thought too much about it, but I always thought less of my mother for being such a doormat. I am really grateful that Nacho and I are equal partners in our relationship, and that he values my strong will rather than being threatened by it. But I digress.

Thinking about being a mom to a boy has made me realize that I'm far from being free of gender stereotypes, as much as I'd like to be. I'm worried my son will like to play too rough, will get into mischief, will be aggressive, will be too analytical. Obviously there are some biological underpinnings to these types of behaviors in boys, but I really would like to keep in mind that he will be his own person. He will also have two parents who teach him to express his feelings, that it's ok to cry when you're sad, and that all people deserve an equal shot.

I hope that I can easily accept my son for the person that he is, and nurture him to become his best possible self. I hope that as he gets older that he will want to confide in me and trust me, and that I can show him through example that women are strong and capable beings. I hope that Nacho and I can cut through societal noise and be able to teach him wisdom, compassion, and kindness. Now that I've had some time to digest it, I feel honored and challenged at the prospect of raising a boy. The world is definitely in need of a few more good men!

Agonizing (but worth it) wait for the ultrasound.

We've been counting down the days to our ultrasound. We were so excited to wake up today knowing "today's the day." Nacho took the day off work. My appointment was scheduled for 2pm. At 9:30am the receptionist from the doctor's office called to tell me that the doctor had a patient in labor and may or may not need to cancel the appointment. Great. So we wait. We're wondering, is the doctor at the hospital waiting for the baby to be born? Nacho wonders if he should go into work after all (an hour drive each way). He decides against it. At 12:30 I call in, and they say that the doc is still in the office and hasn't been called into the hospital yet. So we drive to the appointment, and have a quick bite at a taqueria across the street. 1:30 comes and goes and they haven't called me, so I figure the doc is still there. So we go in. I fill out paper work. They call my name. They weigh me. They take me to the examining room. They take my blood pressure. I'm thinking "yay! we made it!" And then the nurse comes in to tell me that the doc just got called to the hospital. Her other patient is ready to start pushing. I'm welcome to wait around until she's done. I ask if it's a first or second baby and I'm surprised that they actually tell me- second baby. That's good, it should mean a faster birth. They say she should be back by 3:15, or 3:30 at the latest. I have a class to teach at 5, and the appointment takes an hour. It takes 30 minutes to drive to my class. And I'd have to drop Nacho off. So were definitely pushing it. But I say we'll wait. I wanna see the baby! I wanna know if it's a boy or a girl! Nacho and I go out to the car and Nacho immediately takes a nap. I stare at the clock and watch the minutes tick away. If we can't get in by 3:30 then I'll have to reschedule, and it'll be god knows how long before I get to see the baby. 3:23... 3:24... 3:25- a black VW speeds into the parking lot and out jumps the doc in her surgical scrubs. She runs in the back door and I wake Nacho up. He grabs the video camera and we head back to the waiting room... and wait some more. Finally they call me and we go into the room. I undress and put on the lovely hospital gown. And then... we wait some more. I'm staring at the clock, Nacho tells me to chill and I do try to relax- but its hard. At 3:45 the doc finally comes in, does the exam, and the ultrasound. And it's all worth it!

It's so amazing to see the baby in such detail. Moving around in there like a little frog. You can see it's little legs, arms, fingers, toes, spine, heart, and... penis! He's a healthy and happy boy. :)